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Script #1: The Return of Sam SpadeThe Return of Sam Spade was originally written as a three-day "murder mystery experience" on a cruise ship. The performance consisted of scripted segments interspersed with improvisation. The main character, Sam, is meant to be a cheesy imitation of Humphrey Bogart.This excerpt features the very beginning of the piece. The Return of Sam SpadeAs soon as all the guests have taken their seats and have settled in, the purser ceremoniously delivers Lillian's jewels. Background music fades and the Movietone Newsreel comes on. The cast members disperse. At the close of the film, there is a bang - a scream....various noises offstage indicate a life-or-death struggle. Sam and his assailant, a menacing figure with a bandaged face, burst into the room, followed by an outraged Bubbles. They fight as Sam attempts to wrest the assailant's gun from him. He succeeds in knocking it out of his hand. The assailant next produces a large knife.Locked in mortal combat, they stagger in Bubbles direction. Bubbles has apparently decided that her best course of action is to ignore the altercation and, muttering her displeasure, she continues setting up. She picks up a mike stand, and as she is swinging it into position, she hits the knife, and it skitters across the room. The assailant pulls out his last resort, a big, round, black bomb. Instead of lighting it and blowing everyone to kingdom come, he knocks Sam over the head with it, temporarily disabling him. Just as his adversary is about to deliver the coup de grace, Bubbles groans with frustration at the constant interruptions, stalks over to the bad guy, punches him, and knocks him offstage. He beats a hasty retreat. Bubbles assists a dazed Sam to his feet, calls for a bag of ice and goes back to setting up. She freezes in at an inopportune moment....for her and the guest behind her. Sam is alone in a spot. We hear the Harlem Nocturne. (Sam's theme) SAM (V.O.)It was a city of three million souls - each one with a story - and frankly, I was tired of hearing 'em. It was time to move on. I'd done it all in L.A. - assault, robbery, murder... investigating 'em, that is. I'd been a private eye, a shamus, a gumshoe, a private dick...anyway, that's what she called me. I think she meant I was the strong, silent type.I needed a change - something different - a new scene. I'd had it with L.A. and L.A.'d had it with me - what it came down to was...we'd both been had! It was time for a change. Time to take time. Time to take a gander at a lady's lovely hands instead of looking for fingerprints. Time to eye a lovely dame instead of estimating height, weight and coloring for the coroner's report. (Indicating Bubbles, who has remained frozen all this time) And who is this little sweetheart who saved my bacon? The one who dispatched the desperado? The one with the swell gams? BUBBLES(Unfreezing) Gee, thanks! (Refreezes)SAMDon't mention it. (Double take) This little tomato uses the handle, Bubbles LaTouche. "Bubbles" has something to do with a childhood accident. She was dropped on her head in the bathtub and...BUBBLES(Unfreezes) Yeah, and "LaTouche" from my...well, you know, sweetie (To man behind her) and one time I had this frenchie boyfriend? He used to say, "touche" whenever he waved his sword around...I thought it was kinds cute.SAMAlthough she couldn't type, she couldn't file and she couldn't take dictation...BUBBLESDick, who?SAM(He lets it pass) I hired this aspiring actress as my secretary for two reasons (Eyeing her "equipment") one: she agreed to work for 25 clams a week....BUBBLES...and second: I don't tell nobody you talk to yourself! Sam, if you're gonna keep this up, I'm gonna get comfy. (Sitting on a male guest's lap...she jumps up with a squeal) Ooh, Sam, keep an eye on this one...I think he's got a pistol in his pocket!SAMBubbles, he's just glad to see ya. Besides, I saw how you gave that other bum the old heave ho. (Bubbles starts to preen) Just don't go getting a swelled head on me, precious.BUBBLESSpeak for yourself, ya big lunkhead. (He winces as she lovingly pats his damaged skull and begins to bandage him) Ya know, if you're not careful, you're gonna be all washed up as a dick. (Phone rings) You better get that, it might be the phone.SAM(Aside) She has the brain of a four-year-old child...and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. (He picks up phone, and holds his gun on it) Shoot. |
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